Mighty Kabosh Tips for the magically impaired:
How to talk to Spirits:
Speak out loud to spirit you wish to talk to. Address them by name so that they know you are talking to them. If spirit can hear you, they will respond. If they are not in same room, you might want to use telephone. Do not try this with spirits of the dead - the telephone does not work because they are too deaf to hear it ring. Long distance is too expensive, anyway. If they are in same room, living or dead, it does not matter much. They will respond, unless they are not talking to you for some reason. Do not use weegie board - it is silly, and many spirits can not spell good anyhow.
If you do not hear spirit respond, it is because you do not listen. Spirits are very quiet, and you need to be quiet to hear them. Unless they are human, and still alive. Plant spirits and rock spirits are very hard to hear, because they talk too slow. Kabosh suggests using a tape recorder. "How do you do?" takes three hours for them. Rock and Roll spirits are very deaf. You must yell to get their attention. Phil the Spectre is a good spirit-ally, if you can get an appointment with him. He never answers the phone, even if you do pay the toll charges.
Once you have spirit ally, talk to them regularly. Spirits get very lonely, especially if they were once alive. The spirits will try to give you good advice. Very much of the time, this advice is worthless. One time, when washing machine broke, Kabosh received instructions for beating clothes on rock by the side of a stream to make the clothes become clean. Kabosh called washing machine repairman instead.
Spirits can be useful. Once you learn to be very quiet, and hear what they have to say, they can tell you important things - like where the one sock goes when you do your laundry. Talking to spirits is even a paying job. Once you have the knack of listening, go to the office called "Welfare", and tell them that you can hear spirits. They will arrange an interview for you with a person in a white coat, who will ask you to make comfortable on a nice couch, and then will ask you about the spirits. Tell the nice person about the spirits, and what they say to you. They will give you government ID that says you talk to invisible spirits. They will give you a paycheck every month. They will even pay for your medical bills and housing costs, as long as you don't ask for too much. Of course, this is a government job. Every couple of weeks, they will expect you to come in to a special office, and tell nice person there what the spirits tell you. Person will write down everything you say, and even give good advice for keeping spirits from being big buttinsky.
Spirits will sometimes want you to do favors for them. They will ask you for things, and sometimes even threaten you if you do not do what they say. Do not be frightened. Unless they are still alive. Then, be very frightened, run away, and call the police. Otherwise, if they are not now alive, they have no real power to affect you. Don't be worried by their threats. The worst a disembodied spirit can do to you is make you scared. If they threaten to make you sick and die, tell them you have penicillin. It is that simple.
And that is how you talk to spirits. Is Easy, Yes?
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